SECOND CIVIL WAR...???

Letters from the 'front'

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My dearest Gladys,
I saw a man lose his life today. His eyes looked past me, toward what I did not know. I kneeled at my fallen enemy.

“I could’ve been on your side,” he revealed between coughs. “But for her emails,” he said as he met his fate.

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My Immortal Beloved:
I am trapped behind enemy lines and I fear many of the horrific atrocities we presumed to be merely urban legends are indeed true.

They eat Miracle Whip and Ted Nugent has fans.
Pray for us.
Jeb

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dearest Wife,
Please allow me to unburden my soul. Earlier, at the Battle of Two Scoops, I killed an enemy soldier, a young lad who could not have been a day over 19. His last words shall haunt me for the rest of my life: “Womp Womp

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My love,
I’m on the front line, pinned down between Williams-Sonoma and Chili’s. We’ve incurred heavy casualties (soccer travel season thinning our ranks), but morale is high. Just stay alive. I WILL find you, even if my iPhone is at 2 percent.
-Zebediah

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dearest Family:
We put together a really bad video montage of Trump ordering his troops to charge us naked with no guns and broadcast it at the enemy lines as a joke.

But they actually charged us. Naked. With no guns.
Will be home for dinner

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My Dearest Children,
We have managed to capture and occupy the Chick-fil-a and Hobby Lobby. Our intention is to make the enemy eat gay sandwiches and do gay crafts.

With much love,
Your libtard mother

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dear Mama,
We’ve surrounded the unit led by Gen Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Their food supply has been cut off & they’re down to the last of their Chick Fil A rations. We’re smoking them out with show tunes. Won’t be long now.

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My Darling,
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.
Pray for us

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dearest mother,
We have taken control of the Chick-fil-a but I fear those Trumpsters have taken one of our Starbucks. We march at dawn for ice lattes and freedom

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My dearest wife,
My Tide Pods rations are running low, and there is nobody to pick the avocados. Further more, I'm out of Panda Pop lives.
My love to the children, Groot and Khaleesi.

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

My darling,
Just enough battery power to write a few lines. Cold rations of KIND bars and kombucha again tonight. I can hear young Lt. Madison sobbing quietly; she hasn’t had a caramel macchiato in 4 days. I gave her my yoga mat.
Your loving wife,

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

"Captured at Bowling Green. In tolerably good health. Avocado hardtack rations meager and chicory covfefe drunk cold to avoid microwave surveillance. Capt. Kardashian to negotiate prisoner exchange."

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dear sister,
Spirits were low in the medic tent as supplies of probiotics and arnica dwindle. But the arrival of Drag Battalion AF with glitter cannons has given us hope for tomorrow. We ride at dawn.

KEN BURNS civil war music

here

Dearest Parents,
The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort.